delusional delirium

i really didn't kiss that guy. point stop.

i just talked to him, and i'm sorry if it was too close.
and i like it that you are cool and not upset about it
(why are you have to be upset anyway?)
and i really don't know
(maybe it was when i went to the loo)
that you said to him:
<<she is my girl and we'll go home together>>
(this is what you told me, i really do hope you didn't threat the poor lad)
and along he left

what are we that you can be possessive of me?
you should look to your cellphone, baby,
and feel my desperation :(

tell me why life brought us together, hubscher?
i guess the heart break
and it's sooo funny when i'm crying in the middle of freezing morning sobbingly say <<i love him, really, and i really do try, don't tell me i didn't try, because i did, with all i can, i did, but he decided to try with somebody else>>
and you <<how long was you with this guy?>>
and me <<long enough>>
and you <<how long?>>
and me <<around two years>>
and you <<hah. that's not long. i was 6 years with my ex girlfriend>>
and me <<six years and you stop? what happened?>>
and you <<she left me... for other guy>>
and you tell me that you had lived together like forever (in my view of time) and one day she woke up with the need to f*ck somebody else. i guess that sums up how we wanted to hang ourselves up some days. i guess that is why you listen to Juno ost. Loose Lips

<<so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend>>

<<and tell me about life>> said Marvin the depressive robot of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
you will go soon also, hubscher
you will leave and our days are numbered until next week
but until then, i love you, really
don't be mad at yourself
i love you

Being a lecturer you are doesn’t mean that you’re smart, and therefore can have the authority to dictate my mind. I do read. I also know what I’m taking about and I also care about the issue. The fact that I’m younger, not married and like to go out does not directly negate that I can think scientifically and structurally. You fucking pissed me off!!! I am telling you that I know there is a problem which I raised as an issue, and if you can not see it does not mean that the problem stop. It is not like if you close your eyes the world stop revolving. There are people having this problem, they are women and if you are not, the fact you don’t see it (or don’t want to) doesn’t mean it will stop.

 

If you try to stop my research by saying that it will be a hard way to get the data. Fuck you, it’s my problem. Might as well say, don’t go out, you might get hit by car; or don’t give birth to babies, life is hard. But you can’t do that can’t you? You already have a baby.

 

In the end, you can always talk whatever. And I can do whatever. So it’s fair. By the time I’ll make my presentation, you better listen. Or get your fact straight before making challenges to my arguments.

 

I can’t fucking believe that a reputable university lecturer don’t know that Indonesia population ratio between men and women is 50 : 50 after we just finish general election last year. Maybe next time you should work in KPU and make things there worst.

IS in one drunken night say that i should not care that my lover has another lover since i'll be only around for 1 semester. Since it is usually normal that love doesn't last forever. Uh oh no. I love the person already. Love love love love love!

And that night the blonde girl you introduce me to at His-Q(?) bumped at me in the dirtiest club in this small city saying: Oh so you know that he has another girl? It is so bad isn't it?

Ummm not really. I still love him. As always, i'm a fool for this thing. I just can't stop and probably don't want to. If i love someone, i will love the person no matter what. The fact that he/she has another lover / snores / fart / fat / goes to the rest room every 5 min because of some sickness (yes this is you, my friend Tm) / old / young / depressed / over energetic / whatever doesn't change my mind. Love is for love. And currently, as in usually, i'm in it. So take me as I am, or dumped me altogether. 

I: Nooo, don't do that.
Me: Why?
I: Because he will think that you would want his passport.
Me: Really?
I: Why not? So many desperate people you know. And you are from your country.

Oh damnit. Now i'm thinking it over...

"the car overheated
i called up and pleaded there's a help on the way
i called you collect you didn't accept
you had nothing to say"

-camera obscura cover version-

all random sayings with my responds never said out loud

Is: "Why don't you go home with him?" (giving thumb gesture to a friend of her lover)
(Me: he gave me the finger last time we met because he was depressed with his 6 weeks emotional girlfriend and now he touch my thigh after going out of the bar's toilet n said he doesn't have any girlfriend, you think i will want to go home with a guy like that? even with alcohol my standard is not that low, yet)

Mark: "I stay in a nice house in the attic and it's difficult to reach there, and plus i think my girlfriend is waiting" *grin and long look*
(Me: i don't understand your broken german, i'm sorry, but what do you expect? no i will not gonna take you to my place, there will be indian cooking lunch really noisy in the next room that will wake us up early later and moreover, i can't play table soccer so i guess i'm not your type so stop grinning)

Serb guy: "Hey what's your age? Are you over 18?" *grin again*
(Me: kupicku materna... kurrats... i know i know soo rude, i'm sorry. yeah you're handsome, but no thanks)

Stef: "I really believe that his relations with the girl will not last. Give it 6 weeks and i know. You get a go with him. Come on."
(Me: hmmm i don't think so. i'm not even gonna be here more than 4 months, how long you want to test us then? my time is noooot only for eloping you know)

Dan: "I never want anything from you."
(Me: yeah right, so why do you knock on my door. tell me something more)

Soko: "I can love you until the day you die, until the day you die, until the day you die... and maybe more."
(this is really scary but whatever good for you)

i guess this is good bye huh? as always, i'm used to it. and i love you! not with -d yet. so yes i love you
and grandma said that we should never trust somebody that doesn't kiss you back
yes yes yes kiss me back
i want you back
soon soon soon
but i really hope everything will go well for you
and if it means you don't get back
or only back to pack
i guess i'll try to be OK

so much for OK
ahhh ;(

as nicely said by Terry Pratchett, life is like a hurried lovers, come and go..

The Benjamin Franklin of Monogamy

Reminiscing in the drizzle of Portland, I notice
the ring that's landed on your finger, a massive
insect of glitter, a chandelier shining at the end

of a long tunnel. Thirteen years ago, you hid the hurt
in your voice under a blanket and said there's two kinds
of women—those you write poems about

and those you don't. It's true. I never brought you
a bouquet of sonnets, or served you haiku in bed.
My idea of courtship was tapping Jane's Addiction

lyrics in Morse code on your window at three A.M.,
whiskey doing push-ups on my breath. But I worked
within the confines of my character, cast

as the bad boy in your life, the Magellan
of your dark side. We don't have a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and liquor, power

never put to good use. What we had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if we caught
one another like colds, and desire was merely

a symptom that could be treated with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,

as if I invented it, but I'm still not immune
to your waterfall scent, still haven't developed
antibodies for your smile. I don't know how long

regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light

of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing

into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate. I'm sorry all the kisses

I scrawled on your neck were written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I thought of you
so hard one of your legs would pop out

of my ear hole, and when I was sleeping, you'd press
your face against the porthole of my submarine.
I'm sorry this poem has taken thirteen years

to reach you. I wish that just once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade's precipice and joyriding
over flesh, we'd put our hands away like chocolate

to be saved for later, and deciphered the calligraphy
of each other's eyelashes, translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what couldn't be said.

Jeffrey McDaniel

and my boo has his damdam

my boo is always special
i believe he can multiplied
and so there is damdam

meantime in the other side of universe
binky is screaming
like she always screams
so actually it's nice to live faraway
:
"even though you have ovarium
does not mean you have to breed!"

but i want my damdam
but i will give another name
maybe dubidubidu

i want somebody that stay
i want somebody that go and give me space
i think i'm soo selfish sometimes but i guess if i am not, what is the purpose to be me anyway?
i guess i'm not good enough to be a nun
but now i feel everything is in the right place
in the right time
missing somebody that is not here
is better than having no one to miss
or too many to miss
i'm too busy to have everybody
and myself is not a crowded place
i only want him this moment in my life
or maybe it's not true
i also want the cat!
i feel happy
and hope you do too

i don't really want to change myself to someone's else shoes. i love my life, i love myself, i love being here in this moment. drinking coffee and sitting on the sofa that is not mine. and waiting to be thrown out to the street again. (there is always an expiry date in everything doesn't it? even to thing that you thought as eternal, such as your god will die when you die, just like everything else you believe in, so i don't hope much, not even my ass touching the cushion comfortably)

but yes, i love me, i love him, i love them, i love everybody, i love this sofa and most of all, i love this cat than ever before. the more i hate him peeing beside the fridge, the more i love him. love is a strange verb.

Lying In a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota
James Wright

Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly,
Asleep on the black trunk,
Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.
Down the ravine behind the empty house,
The cowbells follow one another
Into the distances of the afternoon.
To my right,
In a field of sunlight between two pines,
The droppings of last year's horses
Blaze up into golden stones.
I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
I have wasted my life.

i haven't cry for a long time. i smoked too much today. i feel lonely. i got people whom are ready to be there for me if i ask, ahh my treasures, but i declined and stay alone. maybe i like it to be depressed and self loathed. maybe i need someone to be there (and my mind travels to the days when relationship was easy and i can tell that i love him and he loves me, and we didn't need to know much about anything else, such as, toilet trauma or what future brings, no we just didn't care).

yep. i don't need many people, only someone, like anthony and the johnsons sang in their first song in 'i am a bird now' album. wanting to die again. sigh. maybe i just like it to be lonely, i keep people away.

Rockaway | Nicole Blackman

it was a nice dinner and i like it so much that we can be in the same table without wanting to throw knives at each other. the anger and rebuttal are over i suppose. and we are really grown ups. and i remember those good old days when i like you.

the truth, i don't know what your intention now. you said you just broke up with the perfect woman of your life and i was really glad that i was not her because i don't want to be perfect anyway. you hate me because i drink and i smoke and i put my head in my words when i talk to you and you so goddamnit hate it you did call me whore. thank you so much, i do remember it between my laughs and even when i made love with someone that respect me. it was not your fault of course, but it just got in my mind.

so there there, i will not invite you to my room. not around these days. i may be cheap but i'm not interested to fix a broken toy. i'm not interested to be in a judging relationship, that often makes me feel small, and abused... 

and not like you, i'm not afraid to be alone in life. i can be single and don't have anybody to count on except myself and i can cope. or else i will die and i don't mind at all. not that i decline to take care of you, but you've already beat me up so bad all i can ask is "what do you want from me now?"

i don't want to be with you waiting for another contender. i already felt what is like to be fully appreciated and loved, although it does not last. so now baby, thanks but no thanks

and i am okay
if you want to fuck people
like it's so normal i should do it too
;)

me: henry... apa kabar?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Baek
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe?
me: giliran gw yg ga baek nih
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udh di bdg?
me: huhu
me: lagi d black holw
me: lagi d black hole
me: rumah mantan
Henry Sastrawijaya: Napa babe?
me: trus apa dong yg gw temukan? dia mau packing k menado n dia bawa kondom aja lho
me: 1 BOX!!!!
me: anjrit
Henry Sastrawijaya: Hahaha
Henry Sastrawijaya: Kan bekas
me: beginilah yg masih ngarep sama mantan
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya udh deh
me: huaaaaaaaa hendry
me: gw mau nangis
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ngapain juga
me: kan masih cinta weks
me:
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe mau ksini?
me: gw ga tau apa yg gw mau
me: mantan gw lagi pergi juga n gw ga bisa keluar
me: klo lo jadi gw lo gimana?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udh kesini
me: gw sih malah pengen k kostan
me: hehehe
me: sendirian... nangis sendirian kyk org bego huhuhu
me: huhuhu
Henry Sastrawijaya: Gue cabut dari sana n gue kesini
me: btw apa kabar lo?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Breaking up tandanya ada yg broken
me: putus sama yg waktu itu d airport?
me: ga berat ya?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ngapain loe ngarep lg?
me: gw susah lho klo putus
me: krn cinta hen
me: huhuhu
me: kyknya gw hopeless hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Haha
Henry Sastrawijaya: Jgn cengeng
Henry Sastrawijaya: Mau kata2 mujarab ga?
me: kan templatenya emang cengeng
me: hehe
me: mau
Henry Sastrawijaya: Yg bikin gue bisa kuat
me: mauuuu banget
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ok bentar
Henry Sastrawijaya: "Don't be so moody. A lot of bad shit is going to happen to u. People r not going to love you back. And if u're serious about becoming an artist, that's the first thing u should learn.
Henry Sastrawijaya: And listen.. U r going to die okay? Relatively soon okay? So that being said, u have nothing to worry about. No matter what happens in this life, u have 2 options. Only 2 options.
Henry Sastrawijaya: U can handle things well and be happy.. Or u can handle them poorly and be miserable. It,s up to u.
Henry Sastrawijaya: Tuhh
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe coba deh
me: miserable... i'm handling it poorly
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ur choice babe
me: hmmm
me: dapet dari mana itu?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Trying to fuck urself up won't prove any feelings
me: hah, gw lebih suka yg terakhir lo bilang hen
Henry Sastrawijaya:  itu kata2 gue sendiri hahaha
me: hehehe gw lebih suka yg kata2 lo sendiri, yg awalnya dari mana emang?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udah ah.. Ngapain loe mikirin yg gituan
me: gw langsung bikin notes d fbook gw deh biar inget terus
Henry Sastrawijaya: Dari film the hottest state
me: eh film baru kah?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Yep
me: baru denger
me: gonna watch it
me: thanks so much for being there
Henry Sastrawijaya: No prob
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe pulang napa?
me: pulang k kost ya...
Henry Sastrawijaya: Iya lah
me: hmm gw masih ga bisa mikir mau apa
me: mending diem dulu
Henry Sastrawijaya: Hey.. Its not a problem of what u want
Henry Sastrawijaya: Its what u have to do
Henry Sastrawijaya: Dignity loe sbagai cewe mana?
me: hah? sejak kapan gw punya dignity? hehehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: U can't do this to urself
me: klo sebagai bencong gimana? mau operasi kelamin d thailand. hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya udh deh
me: unfortunately i did this to myself already
me: booo udah putus dari kapan juga
me: masih aja gw d sini
me: pathetic
me: but i love the person so much
Henry Sastrawijaya: Whatever swings ur way babe
Henry Sastrawijaya: U know what's best for u
me: maybe i know but i settle for less
me: *masih nangis mode on*
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya sud
Henry Sastrawijaya: Slamat bersuffer ria ya
Henry Sastrawijaya: Kalo udh bosan kasih tau gue
me: iya iya klo k jkt nanti kita ktemu ya
me: sekarang mau ga nangis dulu baru jalan
me: agak memalukan jalan dgn muka gini. hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ok
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ati2
me: lo juga
me: eh malam sabtu ga kmana2?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Pengen
Henry Sastrawijaya: Tp flu
me: hehe swine flu?
me: cepet sembuh ya hen
me: again, thanks for being there.
me: *peluk peluk*
Henry Sastrawijaya: Thx
Henry Sastrawijaya has signed out. (5/8/2009 9:45 PM)

hey you,

how's life? good i guess. it's been a while and not much turbulence. sure i guess i still owe you and P explanations, but still reluctant to do it. i mean, will it be any good since you both had decided what's in your minds? i just don't want to have futile debate. but i'll do it in the future to pay back the karma.

*you see, i was playing word game and the word 'etherboy' came up, it was for P. we called each other through ether -strange i know-. and i just got email from a friend's xlover saying that my friend is now with his friend. sounded familiar? no, i didn't do anything with P, despite what you probably think and i declined his offer to be with him. he was with someone and  me too (after you there's a person that i really really like).*

the thing is, i don't understand why do you have to be so angry and jealous and feel betrayed. we don't have serious relationship. you are sleeping with girls and i was fine with that. and didn't i offer my hand and even went to where you are? oh you oh you. the easiest is just put the blame on me. and it's okay, i'm stronger than mountain and can't be bothered.

but i care about you, and P, and everybody else, and of course myself. please bring peace okay? we'll talk and get things over. and it's been awhile, i know, but i love you, as a person and a friend that once helped me to build  bridge.

enjoy life, santa, and her too. she's so fine, i like her too.
many hugs and warm wishes from a city that rains everyday,
F

and she said that i'm the best girl she'd ever encountered with. and it sounded so funny.

it's just unbelievable somebody can say that, seeing my state of being.

i love her as a friend and a sister, not -yet- more. i don't know what she wants from me. i always freak out when i come to a point of thinking of what a person wants from me. probably because i'm not a god and don't deserve anyone attention

Calloused Fingers Won't Make You Strong, Edith Wong :
a studio apartment somewhere new
somewhere far away from here
it doesnt feel
are you lonesome

now you've got first share
a broken heart wont mend
youre jealous of your only friend
it doesnt matter what theyre paying you
you just want

when youre sitting in the spotlight
a standing ovation every night
does it occur to you
that something isnt right

when youre kissing someone new
but you know your hearts not through
the last boy
do you say to yourself 'this will do'

you can hide in the cinema
you've got the money to spend
but the movies always end
then its your life again

you can practice all day long
till the notes are perfect
but your hearts all wrong
calloused fingers wont make you strong
edith wong.

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone

*calloused here

wake up - feeling bad - cry for 20min - try to live - desperately keeping busy - home, the later the better - drained - feeling lonely - cry to sleep - nightmares - awaken by cell phone buzz - 4 year old stalker that doesn't have a life, ignore - trying to sleep again - repeat from the beginning

huaaaa i'm such a cry baby.

heard brick again via adit's page. the same ben folds five, the abortion song. undergrad shitty life. grad not much better. welcome again, black depression. i throw my arms open toward you!