delusional delirium

and my boo has his damdam

my boo is always special
i believe he can multiplied
and so there is damdam

meantime in the other side of universe
binky is screaming
like she always screams
so actually it's nice to live faraway
:
"even though you have ovarium
does not mean you have to breed!"

but i want my damdam
but i will give another name
maybe dubidubidu

i want somebody that stay
i want somebody that go and give me space
i think i'm soo selfish sometimes but i guess if i am not, what is the purpose to be me anyway?
i guess i'm not good enough to be a nun
but now i feel everything is in the right place
in the right time
missing somebody that is not here
is better than having no one to miss
or too many to miss
i'm too busy to have everybody
and myself is not a crowded place
i only want him this moment in my life
or maybe it's not true
i also want the cat!
i feel happy
and hope you do too

i don't really want to change myself to someone's else shoes. i love my life, i love myself, i love being here in this moment. drinking coffee and sitting on the sofa that is not mine. and waiting to be thrown out to the street again. (there is always an expiry date in everything doesn't it? even to thing that you thought as eternal, such as your god will die when you die, just like everything else you believe in, so i don't hope much, not even my ass touching the cushion comfortably)

but yes, i love me, i love him, i love them, i love everybody, i love this sofa and most of all, i love this cat than ever before. the more i hate him peeing beside the fridge, the more i love him. love is a strange verb.

Lying In a Hammock at William Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota
James Wright

Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly,
Asleep on the black trunk,
Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.
Down the ravine behind the empty house,
The cowbells follow one another
Into the distances of the afternoon.
To my right,
In a field of sunlight between two pines,
The droppings of last year's horses
Blaze up into golden stones.
I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
I have wasted my life.

i haven't cry for a long time. i smoked too much today. i feel lonely. i got people whom are ready to be there for me if i ask, ahh my treasures, but i declined and stay alone. maybe i like it to be depressed and self loathed. maybe i need someone to be there (and my mind travels to the days when relationship was easy and i can tell that i love him and he loves me, and we didn't need to know much about anything else, such as, toilet trauma or what future brings, no we just didn't care).

yep. i don't need many people, only someone, like anthony and the johnsons sang in their first song in 'i am a bird now' album. wanting to die again. sigh. maybe i just like it to be lonely, i keep people away.

Rockaway | Nicole Blackman

it was a nice dinner and i like it so much that we can be in the same table without wanting to throw knives at each other. the anger and rebuttal are over i suppose. and we are really grown ups. and i remember those good old days when i like you.

the truth, i don't know what your intention now. you said you just broke up with the perfect woman of your life and i was really glad that i was not her because i don't want to be perfect anyway. you hate me because i drink and i smoke and i put my head in my words when i talk to you and you so goddamnit hate it you did call me whore. thank you so much, i do remember it between my laughs and even when i made love with someone that respect me. it was not your fault of course, but it just got in my mind.

so there there, i will not invite you to my room. not around these days. i may be cheap but i'm not interested to fix a broken toy. i'm not interested to be in a judging relationship, that often makes me feel small, and abused... 

and not like you, i'm not afraid to be alone in life. i can be single and don't have anybody to count on except myself and i can cope. or else i will die and i don't mind at all. not that i decline to take care of you, but you've already beat me up so bad all i can ask is "what do you want from me now?"

i don't want to be with you waiting for another contender. i already felt what is like to be fully appreciated and loved, although it does not last. so now baby, thanks but no thanks

and i am okay
if you want to fuck people
like it's so normal i should do it too
;)

me: henry... apa kabar?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Baek
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe?
me: giliran gw yg ga baek nih
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udh di bdg?
me: huhu
me: lagi d black holw
me: lagi d black hole
me: rumah mantan
Henry Sastrawijaya: Napa babe?
me: trus apa dong yg gw temukan? dia mau packing k menado n dia bawa kondom aja lho
me: 1 BOX!!!!
me: anjrit
Henry Sastrawijaya: Hahaha
Henry Sastrawijaya: Kan bekas
me: beginilah yg masih ngarep sama mantan
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya udh deh
me: huaaaaaaaa hendry
me: gw mau nangis
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ngapain juga
me: kan masih cinta weks
me:
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe mau ksini?
me: gw ga tau apa yg gw mau
me: mantan gw lagi pergi juga n gw ga bisa keluar
me: klo lo jadi gw lo gimana?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udh kesini
me: gw sih malah pengen k kostan
me: hehehe
me: sendirian... nangis sendirian kyk org bego huhuhu
me: huhuhu
Henry Sastrawijaya: Gue cabut dari sana n gue kesini
me: btw apa kabar lo?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Breaking up tandanya ada yg broken
me: putus sama yg waktu itu d airport?
me: ga berat ya?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ngapain loe ngarep lg?
me: gw susah lho klo putus
me: krn cinta hen
me: huhuhu
me: kyknya gw hopeless hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Haha
Henry Sastrawijaya: Jgn cengeng
Henry Sastrawijaya: Mau kata2 mujarab ga?
me: kan templatenya emang cengeng
me: hehe
me: mau
Henry Sastrawijaya: Yg bikin gue bisa kuat
me: mauuuu banget
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ok bentar
Henry Sastrawijaya: "Don't be so moody. A lot of bad shit is going to happen to u. People r not going to love you back. And if u're serious about becoming an artist, that's the first thing u should learn.
Henry Sastrawijaya: And listen.. U r going to die okay? Relatively soon okay? So that being said, u have nothing to worry about. No matter what happens in this life, u have 2 options. Only 2 options.
Henry Sastrawijaya: U can handle things well and be happy.. Or u can handle them poorly and be miserable. It,s up to u.
Henry Sastrawijaya: Tuhh
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe coba deh
me: miserable... i'm handling it poorly
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ur choice babe
me: hmmm
me: dapet dari mana itu?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Trying to fuck urself up won't prove any feelings
me: hah, gw lebih suka yg terakhir lo bilang hen
Henry Sastrawijaya:  itu kata2 gue sendiri hahaha
me: hehehe gw lebih suka yg kata2 lo sendiri, yg awalnya dari mana emang?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Udah ah.. Ngapain loe mikirin yg gituan
me: gw langsung bikin notes d fbook gw deh biar inget terus
Henry Sastrawijaya: Dari film the hottest state
me: eh film baru kah?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Yep
me: baru denger
me: gonna watch it
me: thanks so much for being there
Henry Sastrawijaya: No prob
Henry Sastrawijaya: Loe pulang napa?
me: pulang k kost ya...
Henry Sastrawijaya: Iya lah
me: hmm gw masih ga bisa mikir mau apa
me: mending diem dulu
Henry Sastrawijaya: Hey.. Its not a problem of what u want
Henry Sastrawijaya: Its what u have to do
Henry Sastrawijaya: Dignity loe sbagai cewe mana?
me: hah? sejak kapan gw punya dignity? hehehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: U can't do this to urself
me: klo sebagai bencong gimana? mau operasi kelamin d thailand. hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya udh deh
me: unfortunately i did this to myself already
me: booo udah putus dari kapan juga
me: masih aja gw d sini
me: pathetic
me: but i love the person so much
Henry Sastrawijaya: Whatever swings ur way babe
Henry Sastrawijaya: U know what's best for u
me: maybe i know but i settle for less
me: *masih nangis mode on*
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ya sud
Henry Sastrawijaya: Slamat bersuffer ria ya
Henry Sastrawijaya: Kalo udh bosan kasih tau gue
me: iya iya klo k jkt nanti kita ktemu ya
me: sekarang mau ga nangis dulu baru jalan
me: agak memalukan jalan dgn muka gini. hehe
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ok
Henry Sastrawijaya: Ati2
me: lo juga
me: eh malam sabtu ga kmana2?
Henry Sastrawijaya: Pengen
Henry Sastrawijaya: Tp flu
me: hehe swine flu?
me: cepet sembuh ya hen
me: again, thanks for being there.
me: *peluk peluk*
Henry Sastrawijaya: Thx
Henry Sastrawijaya has signed out. (5/8/2009 9:45 PM)

hey you,

how's life? good i guess. it's been a while and not much turbulence. sure i guess i still owe you and P explanations, but still reluctant to do it. i mean, will it be any good since you both had decided what's in your minds? i just don't want to have futile debate. but i'll do it in the future to pay back the karma.

*you see, i was playing word game and the word 'etherboy' came up, it was for P. we called each other through ether -strange i know-. and i just got email from a friend's xlover saying that my friend is now with his friend. sounded familiar? no, i didn't do anything with P, despite what you probably think and i declined his offer to be with him. he was with someone and  me too (after you there's a person that i really really like).*

the thing is, i don't understand why do you have to be so angry and jealous and feel betrayed. we don't have serious relationship. you are sleeping with girls and i was fine with that. and didn't i offer my hand and even went to where you are? oh you oh you. the easiest is just put the blame on me. and it's okay, i'm stronger than mountain and can't be bothered.

but i care about you, and P, and everybody else, and of course myself. please bring peace okay? we'll talk and get things over. and it's been awhile, i know, but i love you, as a person and a friend that once helped me to build  bridge.

enjoy life, santa, and her too. she's so fine, i like her too.
many hugs and warm wishes from a city that rains everyday,
F

and she said that i'm the best girl she'd ever encountered with. and it sounded so funny.

it's just unbelievable somebody can say that, seeing my state of being.

i love her as a friend and a sister, not -yet- more. i don't know what she wants from me. i always freak out when i come to a point of thinking of what a person wants from me. probably because i'm not a god and don't deserve anyone attention

Calloused Fingers Won't Make You Strong, Edith Wong :
a studio apartment somewhere new
somewhere far away from here
it doesnt feel
are you lonesome

now you've got first share
a broken heart wont mend
youre jealous of your only friend
it doesnt matter what theyre paying you
you just want

when youre sitting in the spotlight
a standing ovation every night
does it occur to you
that something isnt right

when youre kissing someone new
but you know your hearts not through
the last boy
do you say to yourself 'this will do'

you can hide in the cinema
you've got the money to spend
but the movies always end
then its your life again

you can practice all day long
till the notes are perfect
but your hearts all wrong
calloused fingers wont make you strong
edith wong.

Casiotone For The Painfully Alone

*calloused here

wake up - feeling bad - cry for 20min - try to live - desperately keeping busy - home, the later the better - drained - feeling lonely - cry to sleep - nightmares - awaken by cell phone buzz - 4 year old stalker that doesn't have a life, ignore - trying to sleep again - repeat from the beginning

huaaaa i'm such a cry baby.

heard brick again via adit's page. the same ben folds five, the abortion song. undergrad shitty life. grad not much better. welcome again, black depression. i throw my arms open toward you!

Of Bated Breath and Distance - Stephanie Lane Sutton

We had lived like artists,
our limbs dirty and entangled,
our pockets strained by cigarettes.
We had lived like celebrities,
sipping beer as those giant dwarfy
paparazzied bodies brushed past,
with little thought or interest.
We had taken turns living as invalids,
you changing the wet cloth on my forehead,
I changing the bandages around your eyes.
We had time, once, to live together.
I made dinner as you entertained guests,
you paid little notice when I slipped into bed naked
and fought for the bedcovers.
We stayed in our underwear until 5 o’clock.
We made love on the couch.

Then, one day,
you forget to call
and it becomes only hours
until the weeks will begin to stack.
Each minute passes wastefully
as I sit alone in the dark,
trying to remember the songs
that were important to us.

Even though our arms don’t touch,
you are in reach;
I could be with you by morning.
But not for much longer.

Our story is not uncommon.
It is mostly a boring strain of facts and dates,
but we were pleased with this.
Whether the others listened
or feigned eye-contact with a nod,
we knew the story was ours,
and it’s been wedged between our ribs
for the long teenage year.

Our ending has yet to be written,
but it awaits us.
We hope to read it
with thought and an open-mind.
We fear we’ll be angered
before considering the epilogue.

But now,
in the early insomnia’d hours of the morning
as the rain begins to crack against the roof,
I know the scar on the inside of my lip
is from you.
I know what a first love is,
it’s you.
You will never lose that place
in this chapter
in this life.

And do we part now?

... you are there!


thank you so much for lending a hand, throwing a rope and first aid kit, giving an ear, supplying hugs and kisses and rocking me to sleep

to the casts and crews of "my life as a selfpity cynic":
asih, tep, sez, manty, d, i, m, p, ar, Qers, egi, ata, ea, alam, ius, den, gilang, andy, aripin, adibay, itb defenders, facebookers, ccf-ers, readinglighters, dorm aquintances,  family, neighbours, hiers, people i met in the streets, boys that flirted and girls that batted their eyelashes

i guess living as a 25y.o. single bisexual, living on scholarship, jobless and don't drive, is not really that bad after all. as much as i want to have a rebound just to warm the bed, i'm not gonna do it. don't want to make collateral damages and not gonna act like a rejected cheerleader that will have sex to the entire football team members just to prove something.

i got nothing to prove. i will keep being myself, thank you.

really, thank you for being there people ;D i couldn't say anything more

i still remember the last time
i guess if alzheimer does attack me, your touch on my red dress that morning will still be the last memory that cling

i want to share my one meter square bathroom
i want to share my toothpaste
i want to share my towel
i want to share my one seventy times eighty centimeter bed
i want to share my room next to the river that is chilly at night

i want to share my dreams

i want to share my time awake
walking down the paths in life wherever they leads
the ups and downs
the blocked road and the freeways
the maze and the horizon

i want to share my picture frame with your photo

i want to share my thoughts,
poems, books, movies, politics, significances, nonsenses,
songs -the ones in my player and the ones we make in the bed, the shower, the parks, the beach, the party...-
doubts, angers, confusions, bad moods, period cramps, hangover mornings
happiness, laughter, jokes, pranks, gossips,
achievements and downfalls
past, present and future in not just grammar tenses of language lessons

i want to share my eyes
my hearts, my lips, my hands, my nose, my ears
my lungs, my kidneys, my legs, my hair
my skin ...
although probably they are not in good condition
i use glasses, have asthma and ulcer
but guess you know that already

i want to share my trips
all the good views, the people we see, meet and get to know well
the smell of the air, the lovingly dirty public transport because it's more environmentally friendly somehow
the bizarre places, the traffic jam, the really bad sounds of street buskers,
or even only the longings between them
or between us when we are not near

i want to share my salary
although it does not comparable to yours at the moment but i'm sure i'll improve

i want to share my stupidity and grandiousity
because after all, i'm just human

i want to share my life
and if you still want to be there, i will really appreciate if you take care of what left of me
and after, i doubt there is anything else more to share

hope you are not disappointed
with the limited offer
after all i'm just human


fbt
25022009

thank you for the talk M!!!!!! :D if you're near, i'll hug you until you're out of breath

the strangest feeling will get to you when you're meeting a lot of people but none of them matters
*sigh*
maybe i'm not yet adjusted

why can't these mornings get any better? hard to sleep and people already bugging since morning. buhuhu

beep! "my bet is he thinks u want 2 get married/more commitment" smsed T.

nice. should i care about what he thinks or doesn't think? how people think is their own prerogative. i don't want to take roles as guardian of the lost sheep like i don't have better things to do. relationship is basically as easy as you want to be together or not, then make rules about whether you want to ask others to join, do orgies or keep things private. and discuss about other small things that don't really matter, which is advisable that you better not consume your heart too much on, like who will buy the groceries or pay the taxi.

i want to make my life simple. i want to be with the ones that want me. i want to be invited to their minds by their own consents and not my intervention, to solve problems together, question life together, or else just pretend to be blind together. i don't really mind what those people want to do with other people as long as they don't give me headache or drowsiness like satre that sent letters to beauvoir on how he deflowered girls, and of course i will be happy if we can talk sometimes.

they better think of what they want, i'm not their mother or kinder garden teacher who will fill up the dots to the questions. and if the answer is no, i don't want to be with you, please don't waste my time and just go. guess it'll be better for all of us. or else the person is really a fans keeper. well in that case, i'll be the one that say, no thanks.